Return Of The Doll

Welcome BLACK to The Transition Period (after a very long break)! In this episode, we discuss what Shea has been up to, quitting theatre, and finding love! Oh, and boobs.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I know. Okay, here's the thing. Here's the thing. I have not done this in a very long time. I think the last time I made an episode for this failure of a podcast was back when I I think it was during my senior recital, right? Which monumental time of my life, truly, like I look back at that whole entire period of my life, and I'm very, very enamored with the scale and the level and like just the passion that I had um to do all that and to connect it back to this thing that I've been doing on again, very, very, very, very, very, very off again. Damn! Like the last like give or take, like six, five, six years. But we're back now. Um, my name is Giselle of Shay Fuqua. You can just call me Shay. All my friends do. And uh yeah, welcome back to the transition period. Let's get started. Hello, hello, hello. Um, all ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen. Jay, fuck. I already fucked it up. Hold on, let's run it back. Hello, all ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentle thems, queers of all ages, uh, dolls, dudes, and cuts. Um, it is I, Giselle O'Shea Fuqua, legally. Yep, yup legally, yup, yup, Giselle O'Shea Fuqua. And welcome to a new episode of Drummond, please. The transition period. Yay! Um, I haven't done this in so long. Like it's it's been a very, very long time since I've done this. And honestly, so much has transpired. But you think you're clever, don't you? In my life since uh the last time I've been here. So I guess let's just go from let's just go from November to uh to now, uh November 2025 to June of 2026. Um happy Pride Month. Oh my gosh. You get sucking ass! Happy Pride Month. Um, happy pride to all the trainees, to the sissies, to the fagots, and to everyone else in between. I'm not gonna say the D Slayer because I don't think it's my place to say that. Don't do it, little girl. But like everyone under the under the diaspora. Diaspora. Diaspora? Diaspora, diaspora, diaspora, diaspora, the thing, the umbrella girl, whatever the fuck. Um, happy pride. Um, I will say this pride month has not hit for me, really. I haven't really done anything pride related. I guess it's just because I walk as a proud um woman of trans experience. You are a transgender. Fuck that motherfucking tea. Um, every day of my life. So like I guess when days come around that are like, or months come around that are like pride, trans uh day of visibility, you know, trans day of remembrance, things of this nature, it's kind of like I celebrate being me every day. I celebrate being being a beautiful black woman of trans experience every single day of my life. So I guess like these days don't really strike me um as incredibly as I guess they should. Um, but like I I think it's I think it's very important to have months like this um in the midst of the genuine, authentic hell that we're all living in. Um, you know, waking up, opening Instagram, Facebook, whatever the case may be, Twitter, whatever the case may be, and seeing that more sisters and um people that are just like me being killed in the street for being black, for being trans, whatever the case may be, you know, uh seeing that, you know, just like the world is always just in on fire and in shambles all the time because of that fucking one day we're gonna celebrate. That's all I gotta say. And if you know what I'm if you know, if you know, you know. Um but yeah, um, it's been a while since I have uh last come here. And I must say a lot of big things have happened in my life. One of the major things is I'm finally a college graduate. That's right. I said it. Yay! Um, it's taken a very, very long time to um get to this point to be in a space of being celebratory and the fact that I am an educated black trainee in these streets. And I'm very proud of myself because I will say my last semester was an absolute, authentic, genuine fool. It was a fool. Um, because I thought it would be so smart to um, you know, work pretty much full-time almost. I'm not I'm a part-timer, but I still work a lot. Um I thought it'd be smart to do that. On top of, you know, finishing up these hard ass classes. Um, I was a vocal performance major that had to take an orchestration class and uh earth science class and a hard-ass English literature course my last semester was not fun. Almost failed one of them. Um, but you know what? I didn't, bitch. I did not. So, you know, we're gonna stay um stay stay on the positive side of that. But um, having all these classes, you know, making sure I get everything I need to be able to say that I'm a college graduate, um, and also directing my first pri like first big musical. I directed a production of Mean Girls the Musical. Um, and you know, I was really proud of the show. I think the show was very, very, very well done. I'm very proud of the work that me and uh my incredible team put in on that project. I think that we truly created something that was very, very incredible and impactful for the community, for the surrounding areas. And I kind of hope that I helped to push the envelope of what's possible for an ensemble, what's possible for a main stage show, what's possible for trans people to produce in Alabama. You know, hopefully that left a lasting impression. I'll more on that whole experience later, you know. Um, but also I have met. This is crazy because I don't think like I it's I've met the love of my life. I have met an incredible, amazing, lovable uh boyfriend, um, partner, love, joy to my life. Um, we honestly we met right after my last episode. Like, I did my transition period recital and the podcast, and then like a couple weeks after that, I met the love of my life. Um, we've been going pretty, pretty steady for the last like seven, eight months. And um, he makes me smile. He makes me very, very happy. And yeah, uh, so let's I want to stack this as things that I care most about. Let's talk about school. Now that I'm out of, well, not most about, I want to stack these things to least to greatest, rather. I uh, you know, let me talk about school. So I graduated and I have been trying to get my bachelor's degree literally since 2020. It's why I started the podcast. I was at a point in my life where like my avenues were closed. So I was only just working. So I was like, you know what? Let me do this solo podcast and talk my shit. Um, and now we're here. Um, and I think if you have been a long time listener of this podcast or just a friend of mine, you know how long I've been working on getting my degree. It's been, it's been a long, long time coming. It's been a long time coming. Um, and we're finally here. So, like my senior year overall was just, it went by so fast that I feel like I didn't really get a chance to really bask in it and live in it. Um, like we had my recital and everything like that. But like this past semester, I think I was just so busy all the time, every day, to the point where it was just like, where's like, where's the flavor in this? Like it's just like I was getting off work, going straight to a rehearsal to direct a scene or a song or teach choreography or something like that. And then right after that, I'd leave the studio at like 10, get up the very next morning at 8 a.m. for a fucking class I don't give a fuck about. You know, it was just a schedule that was just so continuous, and it led to me getting more and more progressively burnt out and burnt out and burnt out and burnt out and burnt out every single day. And um did not enjoy it, made it through it, but did not enjoy it. Um my last semester, I feel like I was barely on campus, honestly, because half of my classes were online, which made it much worse. Like I thought that doing classes online would be so much easier, but girl no. Um, and it got up to the day where like I feel like I really didn't get to enjoy my last semester until like until graduation day. Like graduation day was so like fruitful and everything. And um, it was just such a nice experience. I wore like this like trans flag, like stole. Um, I was like, today I'm gonna be clocky. And uh, you know, I graduated with honors, bitch.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

Justice plaque.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

And uh yeah, and I have yet to really use my degree the way the way I really want to. I want to get my master's in a couple years, but like for now I'm just kind of girl, I'm schooled out. Unless I get into a place where I can get like a TSA, TSA, to teaching assistance. Y'all synthesis. Yeah, yes, TSA. I was thinking like, because there's also another TSA. Um, but um, unless I can get into somewhere with like scholarship money out the fucking ass, then like, you know, I'm just doing the best that I possibly can. So um I'm proud of myself, I'm proud of where I am. Um, I will say that like that transitions me kind of into uh the show. Here we go. So the show, we did audition, we announced it in December. Um, we cast it in January and we did rehearsals from like end of like last day of January till like end of May, which is such a long process. And I think now I know that if I am going to direct a show again, I will alleviate the time. I think that two and a half months is enough time to cast a show, direct the show, put it on its feet, get the cast acclimated to the material, go into tech, do production, all that shit, and then put it on stage for performance. Uh four or five months was just not the tea. And I think that the long, I think that I were I was working with a cast of like 25 incredible bad bitches. And I was also working with an incredible team that I will love and cherish for the rest of my life. Um, and like great production team and everything like that. Uh and I I I I kind of feel like um that process taught me a lot. It taught me how to um handle a lot of people at once. Because my first directorial project, girlfriend, I was working with only six people. This one, it was like 25 niggas at once, and well, not niggas, some of them were niggas, but like the rest of them were white, probably. Um and uh it was a really big learning experience because I kind of felt like because in spaces like this, I think it's kind of like, you know, for me on a personal standpoint, me being a black woman of trans experience, I'm one of the first, if not only, black women to direct in this area, let alone black women of trans experience to direct in this area. And it doesn't fall on me in a way where it's like, oh, I take this for granted by far. That knowing that alone means so much to me, and knowing that there's not a lot of girls and women like me that are, you know, allotted experiences like this really, really was a lot for me. So I think during the process, um, I kind of just allowed myself to get to a space where like I felt like I had to be so perfect and on the ball with every single thing that I was doing at all times. And I think as that progressed in the process, with how long the process was, it kind of started to dawn on me in a way where it was just like not beneficial to my overall mental health. Um, like as I was remember telling my boyfriend a lot, just like talking to him on the phone after a lot of these rehearsals, and I would just be like, baby, I'm drained. Like, I'm so like exhausted, I'm tired. I there were some days where I would leave rehearsal and I would just be like, damn, I fucked that up, or like, damn, I didn't teach that right, or damn, like that didn't make sense, or like, you know. And looking back at it now, now that I'm out of the situation, I think I could have given myself a lot more grace than I allowed myself to have. I think I was working with an awesome team of people that wanted to learn from me and wanted to work with me. I'm making it sound like the show was shit. First of all, let me clock the T where two things we clocked. The show was incredible. Like, that's not even me being arrogant. If you saw the show, you know T. The show was great. The show was really fucking good, actually. But I think that like towards the end of the process, I started getting really in my head because we're going through tech and it's just like I'm seeing things and we're gonna have to, we're we're adjusting things and stuff like that, which is all a part of the process, Shay, which is all a part of the process. But I think for me, it's like I tried so hard to be the best that these people have experienced with no experience on my part. Like, I think I knew what I was talking about, I knew how to direct these people, I knew the vision that I wanted to convey, but like I kind of felt like there was some pressure for me to kind of superexceed expectations. Um, because I was working with like seasoned people, I was working with people who have never done this before, uh, working with people that haven't done it in a while. Like it was, it was a it was a uh a lot of people that were at different levels of the experience, and I wanted to do right by all of them. Um and I think that uh hold on, I'm getting much harder. I think that um just as it progressed, it just wasn't the experience I wanted it to be. And I think looking back now, I would have held more grace and joy for myself overall, and really would have taken a second to like look at the finished product and feel a bit more joy in it. Um that kind of segues me to my next part. This isn't necessarily about the process, but like, you know, um there was a moment with me after the show was over, because I I remember I auditioned for a production um locally, and like I do this production, I I do this, uh work with this team every single summer, like yada yada yada. Like I'm good friends with these people, like and I got to a point after Mean Girls closed, and honestly, dear no, it was kind of just during Mean Girls, like during the last like three or four weeks of Mean Girls, where I was just like, oh my god, like I can't do this right now. Like where it was just kind of like I felt so outside of myself to the point where I don't know, like I I have never felt this way before. It was just kind of like artistically, I'm really, really exhausted, you know? Like it was like I feel like I'm trying to create a space where like I'm proving something to all these people, I'm proving something to my my overseers, I'm proving something to my creative team, I'm proving something to my cast, to my production team. But all overall, I'm trying to prove something to myself that I'm capable of this. And when I'm getting to a space where like this is I love doing this, like it's literally what I've devoted my life to it pretty much at this point. It's what I have a degree in, it's like it's what I love to do, but it's not making me happy, you know, and like that was such a jarring feeling for me because it's just like Shay, you're you're you're faced with the fact that like the one thing that at the time you think is your only thing that you're good at. Like I've devoted so much of my life to theater, and I think that when people at least around me, some of them, when they think of me, when they think of Shay, they think of theater, they think of shows, they think of singing competitions and like going this and doing that, and like I think I create at least in my own mind's eye, I have created such a a world for myself that is so incriminate, like where it's so hard to like to be joyous and to have fun with what I love to do. If that makes any sense. Like it's just kind of like you feel like some people's expectations of you are so high. So, like, with everything that you do, you feel like you have to kind of like up the ante. Like I my last my second last semester in the fall when I was uh doing the transition period recital, I was doing two productions at the same time of planning the recital. And NoJ, I don't know if you've ever planned a recital before. It's hard as fuck. It's really fun, it's a lot of fucking hard work. It is a lot of fucking hard work. And I, to prove to myself and to prove to others, I was just like, well, let me go ahead and just do these, this musical and this play. I did a production of Little Shop of Horrors and I did a production of Hamlet at the same time of this plan and this recital. And I remember like the order of how it went was like Little Shop, my recital, Hamlet. And um I like I got to Hamlet, like I got to the opening of Hamlet, and like I remember being so like I remembered being so such a not enjoyable person to be around. I was very upset all the time. I wasn't really talking to the cast members that often. I wasn't really like taking up space in a way that was joyous and helpful to those around me. I was just kind of like a Debbie Downer in the back. And it stemmed from the fact that artistically, I was putting myself in a box, I was putting myself into a sense of being where if I'm not the top of my game at all times, then it's fucked. Which I don't think is true, and I don't think it's fair. However, like I think for me, and I think it also kind of goes back to the way I was raised. I was raised in a way of like, you know what, never let the people see you sweat. That was very the mentality in which I was raised with. I think all black people are kind of raised with a mentality of like you have to work twice as hard. You have to work twice as hard to succeed people's expectations of you, you have to work twice as hard to um pasty. Um she's such a doll. Shout out to coffee bean. Um but yeah, like I think all black people are are raised in a way of like you have to work twice as hard, harder than your white counterparts, and in theater, un not unfortunately, but like you know, there a lot of your counterparts, you like with the exception of like color purple, fences, dream girls, but like even now white people are doing uh white productions of dream girls and shit. So it's just like you're gonna do theater with white people, you know, and you're gonna be up against white people. For certain roles, for jobs, for certain things your entire life. Not only that, but just other people who are just as hungry and just as good as you. So I think for me, I was getting in a mentality where it's like, hey, I'm about to graduate college. I have my whole life ahead of me. I it's pretty typical for people that graduate with a degree that I have that they go do their masters or they start performing. So I kind of felt pressure where I was like, okay, girl, I can take this degree, but I gotta be on actor's access every fucking day. I gotta be on playbill jobs every single day, seeing what's coming up, seeing what I can book for the summer. Oh my God. During the time of earlier in the fall, I mean early in the spring when I was like auditioning for companies and like summer stock houses and all this. My God, like putting yourself through that process is so shit. And honestly, unfortunately, it tends to get to a point where it's just like fuck this. You know, and it's not necessarily just the rejection of it all, but it's just like to a point where you're just like, fuck this. So like I was cast in that show this summer, and I remember I hit a point where I was just like, I went to the first rehearsal that I was called for, I remember, and then I drafted an email to the team right after, and I was just like, hey, I can't do this. Like, it's not a matter of like I can't do this, like I don't trust my skill level. I can't do this because mentally I am not here, and if I take on this right now, I'm gonna suffer. I'm gonna suffer. And that decision honestly was incredibly hard for me. And it was incredibly hard because I think I I don't allow myself time a lot to rest. My friends have told me that, my parents have told me that, my boyfriend has mentioned that, like multiple people in my life have told me that, like, Shay, you're always like next thing, next thing, bus, club, nether club, like bury that mentality. And I think it comes from a place of like there's always something that I can learn from everything that I attempt to do. However, also, like however, comma, I guess, there's also a space for me where if I'm not working, if I'm not doing something, then I'm failing. That's the mentality that it kind of got to with me, where it was like, if I'm not doing an ample amount of things at once, doing them really, really well, then I'm failing. If I'm you know, have all these skills and talents and have nothing really to show for them, then what are they for? You know, and like that's hard to admit to yourself. It's hard to admit to yourself that, like, hey, you gotta stop for the love of the game. Like, you have to chill and quit for a bit for the love of the game. Like, honestly, theater is my life, and I love doing it, and I love directing, I love acting, I love singing, whatever. I would be cool if I did not do another show till 2027. I would be fine with that. If my life was, hey, save your money, go to work, go home, cook yourself a nice dinner, call your boyfriend, go to sleep, wake up the next day, go to work, go home, get your dogs, take them to the dog park, go back home, take a shower, pick something for them and for yourself to eat. Go to bed. Go to work, go home, chill for the rest of the day. Wake up the next day, turn on your Xbox, play some GTA 5, play some Sonic Heroes, play something, chill, order pizza, sleep, call up with some friends, see what they're doing, go out that night, go home, go to bed every single hour. Like it was to the point where it was just like when I kind of got into the space where like I wasn't doing the show this summer and everything like that, I would get off work and be like, oh, I can do laundry. I can spend time with my kids. Like, I can I have time to like catch my breath. I can turn on a video game and play it for like more than like 30 minutes. You know, I'm not I don't have my nose in a script right now. I'm not like sitting and worrying about like, hey, did what I say to this actor today, did it upset them? Should I text them about it? You know, I'm not in a space where it's like, hey, maybe I should go for that audition. And I have done some auditioning. I had a call, my gosh, I had a call back for the Wiz National Tour. And girl, I ain't heard none yet. So I'm kind of just assuming that that is none of the parts for me. And I'm okay with that. Because realistically, right now, with how busy and frantic my life has been since a long time, I'm at peace with like not doing a year-long contract eight shows a week. I'm okay with that. I know that I likely like getting that callback showed me that I can do that, that I that's something I can obtain, that's something I can work towards, that's something I can manage. But like also, I'm okay with not doing that. I am completely fine with not doing that. I'm completely fine with not being in even a community theater show. I'm totally fine with that. And it's not coming from a place of like arrogance, like, oh girl, I've been there, done that, got a t-shirt. Fuck that. Fuck that mentality. It's from a space of where it's just like I feel like I've paid my dues for a while. And honestly, so much of my life has been trying to work so hard and work so much to do what? To have something to show for it, to have a flashy resume, to prove to Tom, Dick, and Harry, uh, Mike and Tamika that I have something going on. No. So, like, this summer so far, with the exception of like girl, I'm flying to San Antonio next week, but I'm actually flying to San Antonio for a competition uh this like a couple days. Scared shitless. We'll see what happens. Um, it's also the first time I'm flying alone, so like I'm just like, oh my god. But anyway, anyway. But like, even with that, like that's just a small treat for me. But like, I'm not like in a space where it's like, okay, I got stress of learning this, I got stress of doing this, I got stress of maintaining these relationships, I got stress of doing like I'm just being a person. I'm just taking up space in my own little fucking shoebox apartment that I spend $625 for a month. Which, girl, apparently that's a blessing because I'll be hearing about some of my friends that don't live where I'm living, and they be paying like a thousand. So, girl, bitch, please. Girl, I wish a bitch would ask me for a thousand dollars to to live in uh in in in in a box, but anyway, um get away. Yeah, like I guess there's a lesson in that somewhere, and let me try to land the plan. I feel like it's very easy to exist in a space where we have to keep moving, we have to keep pushing, we have to keep working, we have to keep impressing, we have to keep landing that lead, we have to keep, you know, getting those jobs, we have to keep uh, you know, because in some cases, like it's putting food on the table, you know, we have to keep showing up and showing up and showing up. But I think as an adult that's oh, my icebox bots turned off. I think as an adult, an adult in the space that I'm in right now, I'm learning that it's okay to just chill. It's so okay to just calm down for a bit, look at your options, see what you have, and relax. And I'm so glad that I'm granted myself the time and space to just relax, to just chill, and to just like calm down, you know? Um I I guess I I say all that to say that. Like it's okay to take a step back and to just live your life and to be cool. Like a couple weeks ago I went to Chattanooga with my boyfriend because I've never been there, and he just wanted to show me Chattanooga and the aquarium and like the mountains and stuff. Like, and I loved it. It was so cool. Like, I loved it. Um you know, like living normally and just like doing normal shit is beneficial sometimes, and sometimes it's nice for you to get on your own fucking head shave and just smell the roses. I don't know. I'm gonna take another sip of my wine and we'll be right back. And we're back. Hi. Um I guess I don't really have a prompt for this like episode. As as y'all know, I just speak extemporaneously off the dome, off the cuff. I'd kind of want to just take like the latter half of this episode and just talk about love. I'm gonna talk about love first, and then I'm gonna talk about my love. Um, so growing up as like a little fat, queer kid um through middle school, high school, seeing all of you know my friends enter these relationships with these guys, you know, have somebody that they could take to like the football games with and whatnot. And even getting into the earlier stages of college and seeing, you know, my friends develop relationships and you know some of them be fast in the streets and shit, like whatever, which no no shame, but um, and I would look back at myself and I would kind of just like exist in a space where it's like, huh, why can't I do that? You know, and I think for me, it was around like 21, 22 where I was just like, yeah, love might not be for me, you know? And I guess I grew to accept that because I guess I was existed in a space where it's like it hasn't happened yet. And I kind of feel like if it was gonna happen, it would have happened at least once by now. And never had a boyfriend, never had a girlfriend, never had a partner. I never like experienced like genuine connection on that level with another person. And I think for me, I'm very grateful for that experience. Like, I think me not really experiencing love that much prior to having a boyfriend really helps me exist more in a space where I'm entering. So it's like I'm seeing love, I'm seeing, you know, or what I think is love. Like I'm growing up with two parents in my home, growing up, seeing my sibling entered, have shitty boyfriends and shit, you know, like I'm seeing my friends have these shady boyfriends and shit. I'm helping them with their relationship advice. It's like sometimes I was the I was the girl where like my friends would come to me for advice, but they knew for a fact that I was not one of the girls that um was, you know, had a boyfriend that knew these things from experience, like not so forth, so on, which is so funny now that I think of, but I guess it was just a matter of them trusting me and uh thinking that I was wise enough to help them with her with her shit. But long story short, I guess I'd never experienced love in that way. So, you know, I started transitioning and um I grew from a just the I'm gonna be so real, just the brickiest more brick and mortar, brick, primed up house of them all to a beautiful like woman that I'm existing in now, and I'm still I still don't have all my shit together. I'm still building my credits. Danger. You know, like there's still ways that I will go and can go. But I think for me, I think that God knew what he was doing when he allowed me to wait this long to experience love. I think the phrase that RuPaul says at the end of every uh drag race episode, um, if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else? That that RuPaul's weird and has said a lot of weird things, but like that young lady has like that is that woman has like that phrase speaks volumes because I think it really, really took me finding a sense of love so strong within myself, which leads me to being loved by someone else. Like I it really took me falling flat on flat on my face a lot of times, um, sitting with myself, really understanding who I am, and stopping myself from running from it again, accepting that, internalizing that, taking the measures that I wanted to take to become that, existing as that, that led to me having, you know, the love I have now. Because I have kissed some frogs. Like, I'm not gonna talk too much about my quote unquote quote unquote exes. I don't really even consider them to be exes because we were never boyfriend and girlfriend. It was that was never the tea. Um, but like my dumbass, it's like I would have these experiences with these, with these guys where like we would go out on dates and girl, I'd be the one paying for the pizza. And it's like, girl, I'm sorry. We're going to Taco Bell, and I'm buying you a Doritos Lacos Taco, bitch. Like, I'm sorry. Like, I thought that you were the the gentleman, you know, and like that's a whole nother episode of me talking about like what it feels to live in the skin of a woman, you know, and all that. But like, and also like what the parameters of like dating are and like who who should do what, but like that's a that's a story from the day. But it's just like I was like dating, like and seeking to date bombs. Like I was getting into it with bum ass niggas, like bum ass niggas, like truly boys who did not know how to handle me, that did not, that weren't mature enough, that did not have the emotional, the financial, the the wherewithal to handle a relationship. Because a lot goes into relationship. I kind of feel like you need to be in a space where like you love yourself, you accept yourself, you love every part of yourself. You can look in the mirror and be like, girl, you are something, you know, and walk out the door like nothing. It also takes you, you know, have an awareness of your pocketbook because like you you're gonna want to do things with your partner, like trips and dinners, and like, you know, buy them cute things for Christmas and for their birthdays and shit like that, which is not essential, but it does help. Um, you know, you're also gonna have to be in a space emotionally to where like you can exist in your own skin and at least be a little K and also take on some of the plights and things of another person. Like it, it's a it's a tug and it's it's a it's a tug and war. And I think that for a while I kind of felt like I had to be the most perfect version of myself in order to, you know, be in love with this man or to, you know, give myself to this man in a relationship. When in reality, I can just show up. And that's something I didn't really know that I could do until I met my boyfriend now. Um, I kind of was just existing in a space where it's like I have to be so perfect, like girl, I have to be walk out smelling sickening, all the flowery perfumes and shit, just like cold case, just like duh, like dull, you know, and I have to walk out just like the most prim and top proper diva at all times, and that's how I'm gonna find love. I was presenting men with a portrayal of myself that was not real, it was not actual, it was not factual. Like, and until I met my current boyfriend, I remember when we first started dating, I was like at dinner with this guy, and I was like, oh, I can actually like unclinch my jaw around you a little bit. Like, I can actually drop my shoulders and like relax and just exist with you. I don't have to, you know, play a part and play a role just so you'll like me. I can kind of just be my black ball headed self and you like that. That's so interesting, you know, especially for us dolls, like especially for us girls, because it's very, very I will say it is astronomically, it's hard for women to find niggas that are worth a damn. It is so much harder for dolls to find niggas that are worth a damn, and it is that much harder to for black women of transparency to find genuine love and connection because you gotta sift through the sea of just like nasty, dirt, decrepit ass niggas. Like you have to sift through the seas. Like, girl, you need to get your your your Don dish soap and clean them ducks up and really get through the grime and oil that is in the sea to find the diamonds, you know, and like because a lot of these men out here are chasers, a lot of these men out here are fucking weirdos, a lot of them just want to fuck you, and that's it. A lot of them just want money from you because they assume that all the dolls are have money because we're on SPN, and I'm on an insurance plan, not for long because I'm about to turn 26. I'm scared shitless. But, you know, like all that aside though, like I think for me, it was it really truly took me loving myself and this man loving me in order for both of us to be successful. And you know, I didn't know, like, and I'm gonna try to get through this without getting emotional because I really don't feel like it, but I really did not know that like the love that I have right now was possible. Never would have thought that. Never would have thought, like, I thought that I was going to kind of be bridesmaid, never always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Like, I kind of thought that like I was gonna go through my life with my girlfriends, watch them get married and get in relationships, and I was just gonna be the doll over there, the girl that sings at the wedding. Like, you know, like and I guess when you have been done wrong so much so many times, and you finally meet that person that like you can relax around them, you can talk however you want to talk around them, you don't have to overly. Like vocally modify around them. You don't have to show them only the good parts of you. You can bring your whole self to the table. And it's so beautiful to have met someone that like has seen me genuinely at my worst, but has only championed my best. Like it's so refreshing. And it's just so nice. And uh, you know, if my boyfriend's listening to this, hi, um, I love you. Like, I I love you so much. And like, I kind of feel like the love that this man gives me and shows me, it's crazy to me because I'm just kind of like this is it's so beautiful what we have, but it's also just kind of like, damn, everyone should have this, everyone should feel this way. Everyone should be able to experience this. Everyone should, you know, feel like they can genuinely show up as them and have their off days and be shitty and like, you know, all these bad negatives, but also bring their positives to the table. Like, people should feel like they have they can be a full person with the purple with the girl. What the fuck? Let's try it again. People should feel like they can be their whole self with their partners, and not only with their partners, but just like in general. Like, I never feel like I have to like act around this man, and he never feels like he has to do that with me, and that's so beautiful, and I think that's how life genuinely should be. Every person should feel like they are supported and seen in a way that's I'm gonna stop talking about it, but everyone should feel this way, everyone really should feel this way, and finding love at the space that I'm in right now is so beautiful, and like I I truly thank God because I God listen, God be knowing. You be you be thinking, you be sitting and you be praying, and you just be like, girl, God, bring me a good man, bring me a good man. So you meet this nigga off Tinder who can't afford a number one uh value meal at McDonald's that just wants that that just wants to have sex with you, and then he next he's not texting you the next day, and you're just like, Oh, girl, God, bring me a good one, bring me a good one. God brings people into your life for a reason, no matter what. And I'm so grateful that I experienced the frogs that I had to experience, the the the the ball-headed ass ducks that I had to experience so that I could meet a swan. So if you're like me and you've never been in a relationship, and like you um kind of just feel like God's not hearing you, or like the universe isn't hearing you, and that like you don't know what you're doing wrong, and you feel like you're never gonna find that connection, once you find that inner peace and joy within yourself, it'll be there for you. Trust. Trust me. Once you have those difficult conversations with yourself, grow to love and accept the good, the bad, the ugly, it will come to you like a thief in the night and it will be so prosperous and so beautiful. Um yeah. That's pretty much all I have to say about that. I must say that I've been on estrogen for quite some time now. It's been definitely it's like I don't remember to like the day. It's been like a year and a half, maybe a little bit longer or shorter. I don't know. I don't keep up. But um, I I just you know, when you're when you're so soft and feminine and like beautiful and like cunt tasty um and uh muggy on a dupree like I am, you don't really count the days anymore after a while. But yup, yup, yup, yup, yep.

SPEAKER_01 48:23

So crazy.

SPEAKER_00 48:24

But I must say, transitioning is a scam. I have to be so honest and real. It's a scam. And it's a scam because us women go through a lot with these damn breasts. It it's it's crazy to me. Like, let me just be honest with you. This TMI skip this part episode if you don't want to hear me talk about my titties. It's my podcast, it's my platform. I'm gonna talk about my titties for a little while. First off, with my titties, they're fucking beautiful. I gotta be so honest and real. My titties, like, one of my favorite parts of my body, other than my face, is my titties. And like that might sound arrogant, that might sound um narcissistic as fuck. I don't care. I love my breasts so much, fucking hate them too. Can't stand these fucking big bitches on these on my motherfucking uh chest. They pissed me off so bad. Let me tell you why they pissed me off. First couple months when they started like growing small, like very, very slowly and small, it was cute. It was like, oh, I got a little bit of a dividing in my chest now. Like that's just not like that's not fat. Like that's I mean, it's fat, but it's not like you know, I've just haven't been eating good. Like, that's just like that's my titties. Like, you know, and it was fierce. And like first couple months, it was hurting. Like the tip pain was hurting for like a while, but like at the same time, like after a while, I was like, okay, this is just this is just the process. It hurt like fuck. It did hurt like fuck, hurt like shit, wasn't the tea, whatever. I'm about a year and a half and some change on this bitch now. No one informed me that like I would be having like, I call them like trans cramp periods. Um it's just uh once every blue moon where like my fucking abdomen feels like shit. It feels like uh someone, it feels like e Honda just went like fucking, it like someone shutoken my motherfucking shit. It feels like someone turned on their motherfucking showering gun and went e-honda on my motherfucking shit. Girl, it feels like someone did their final smash on my midsection once a month. And I don't know why, but it does. And you know, I paid to be beautiful, I paid this money on this medication with my doctor to uh become the woman that I have always known that I am. I didn't too much pay for uh my titties to be hurting every fucking day, didn't really pay for that, did haven't really been enamored with that idea. Um it's interesting, it's very interesting. And uh, you know, if that's the plight that I have to go through just to, you know, have uh the titties that I want. Like the the goal, the goal is people should I want to have two big ass PT cruisers. I want to have two big ass fucking uh Lincoln navigators on my chest by the time I'm dead dead and gone, bitch. Balloons! Like, I want people to know me for my titties, and I don't think that's crazy. Like, I I think that's something that's very um very achievable personally, and um yeah. Long story short, my tits hurt and I'm pissed. Shoot. Not my day. And that's pretty much it. Um, if you're gonna transition, get a great doctor. I love my doctor, and um, you know, stay the course and all that shit. But just no, girl, it will feel like someone just like did left, right, left, right B combo on your titties every single day when you wake up. So buckle up, I guess. I don't fucking know. Well, welcome. Oh, well, thank you. I don't know how to end this. Thank you for listening to another um episode of the Transition Period Podcast. Hopefully, we will be back soon. Um, in the meantime, follow me on all social media at the Shea Fuchwa. That is at T-H-E-S-H-E-A-F-U-Q-U-A. I'm on Twitter, I'm on um Instagram, all uh the things, you know, uh uh TikTok, all the things. And um just be down to support. Um if you would like to if you would like to support um a black woman of trans experience um in any way possible financially, my cash app is $8. That is dollar sign s-h-e-a f u q u a. If you have venmo or if you would like to send me a um Venmo, uh you can do so at T H E S H E A F U Q U A. Um, any donations are appreciated because bitch, my car broke down last Sunday and I'm packed as fuck about it. I have to get a new car, just paid that motherfucker off, had a clean title on that, bitch. And clear your throat. Lubricate. Child, it's always the girls. Ain't nothing going on but the rent. I tell I tell you. I tell you, and you know what? Things will be going so great, and then your motherfucking car will just break down. Things will be going so hunky dory. Like I had the best vacation with my boyfriend. I got back to my car and that motherfucker broke down on the side of the motherfucking road and broke down at an abandoned ass family motherfucking dollar. Here I am, a bald-headed tranny bitch out at fucking night with this damn coffee's walking up to me. You wanna say hi? You're stinky. I need to give you a bath. Anyway, y'all. See you in the next episode. Bye.